Tuesday, May 08, 2007

rough day

I'm not totally sure where to start and I just know I'm going to ramble so please bear with me. The last couple of months I have been dealing with lots of anger issues. to the point where I would just love to crawl into a hole and have people leave me alone but then I would still be angry cause no one came calling. i always thought I would make a great hermit. okay back to anger. I have been angry from many angles. Angry at my life, and why i'm to chicken to take chances, angry at my family for stupid stuff like not thinking things through, angry at Kim because she won't call me and I don't think she wants to live and I ca't get her to tell me anything going on in her head. I'm angry at members of my church family because they are to sensitive and after 4+ years together they won't be real. Angry at other members for not being willing to step up and help out. lots of angry. but I realize that i'm not angry at God.
I went to visit Kim this morning and I admit I was angry and hurt because she hasn't called me or answer her phone when I have called. So in my head I plan all these things I might say if the opportunity comes up. I walk into her room and she is asleep in her recliner. At first i wasn't sure if i should wake her but it gave me a chance to study her and she looks so much worse than she did a couple of weeks ago. She has lost 73lbs. Except for her butt and stomach she is nothing but skin and bones. her face is so hollowed out that she resembles a skeleton. The swelling that she had is way down but she still needs assistance to get up and down from the bed or chair. She is still in lots of pain and is on a continous and manual diloted(sp?) pump. Here's the kicker. The cancer is back but it has relocated to her stomach, hence the pain. They can only do more chemo. She found this out yesterday, her father doesn't know yet. I asked if she could do another round of chemo and she said yes. I asked if she felt like she was getting stronger, she said good days and bad days, and immediately said," I don't want to talk about it right now".
Anger. because I want to know and understand. I want to know what's rattling around in that brain of hers. I worry that she is going to die while I'm away or that she is going to die anyway. Anger at her for staying closed off to me. Anger at myself for living my life and not being there enough for her. Did I do enough? I will always think probably not. Did I put her before me? No I was too hurt and I wanted her to hurt. Do I blame her for the cancer and her treatments and her attitude? (tired)Yes. I know this sounds unreasonable but I blame her for getting cancer and not giving a good fight. She had a year warning that they found cancer cells and she did nothing. Only in movies or seen pictures of people in Africa have I seen a person look soo bad, so gaunt. I feel that she has given up. what if that's not true?? How can I know if she can't speak more than a whisper but her eyes look so tired. Angry. Angry that my life is continuing on and she's not an active part. We have had lots of ups and downs over the years but this isn't how I wanted things to go. I wouldn't dream this on my worst enemy.
So I believe and I could be wrong that alot of my anger is centered around Kim. I feel in other areas that I need my voice to be heard and I need to step up and I need to let people know I can contribute. I don't know, I really don't.
Ramblings of a very drained person. I cried most of the way home from the hospital and I'm fighting tears again as I type this out. Hopefully tomorrow when I go back up to the hospital I will be better and have a slightly better understanding.
Much peace to you and yours. C

1 comment:

ma said...

Dearest Daughter,
I have felt your anger for quite some time, sometimes directed at me or the kids, your impatience with the people around you. Now I begin to understand. There are no answers for Kim, you and I both know that she is dying, I have tried gently to let you see-now it is time for you to come to peace with it. Is it easy? Hell no, she has been your friend( but not always a nice one) since shortly after we moved here, your life has headed in a very different direction and she refuses to see the greatest gift that can be given to us-if only we will accept and she refuses-remember free will! So as I sit here my heart goes out to you, it is not easy watching someone you care about go through this, But most important not being able to speak out-- so my daughter, my advice take it or leave it, let your anger go, take a deep breath and tell Kim you miss her and love her, let her know what she has meant to you and find peace within you.