Over the last few months i have been really struggling with lots of different issues. Issues like should we have baby #3, why hadn't I gotten pregnant yet?(hence ? #1) Should I quit work? Why was I so angry at people who didn't even know I was angry at them? Why can't I make friends easier? Missing Kim and our friendship. Feeling jealous of Rob with his close friendship with Mike and Alonzo. It keeps going.
On Thursday I had a scrap class. When I was dropping off my roster another teacher and cordinator praised my work and said that she felt that I had talent and that she felt I was ready for the next level. Would I be interested in the card making class and rubber stamping? Both things that I want to learn but 1) never made it a priority and 2) my schedule was so restricted that I felt I couldn't open up any more. Plus Rob was complaining that he would like it if I was home at night and that we could do more on weekends as a family.
Okay, in order to do that I have to stop working. I can't stop working. I want to but I can't.
My mind has been spinning with all this for months. With what this teacher is asking of me, is this what I'm suppose to do? Can I really stop working and pursue my hobby and passion?
After I put the kids down to bed Friday night. I took my bible and sat down on the couch to meditate before I went into prayer. I couldn't get my brain to shut down. I finally told myself to "shut up" and began my prayer.
*Father, please let me hear you. Tell me what you want me to do. I want to follow your will and I can't hear you or I'm doubting myself. Is what I'm feeling you are me?* (I really prayed more than this but I'm trying to keep it short)
I flipped my bible to 2 Chronicles 1:7- God appeared to Solomon in a dream and said, "What do you want? Ask, and I will give it to you!"
I closed my bible and I sobbed for ten minutes. Is this really the Lord speaking to me? Can I have my dream? Amazed and just plain humbled I asked God again in prayer to please show me. He knows how thick-headed I can be. I opened up my bible again and this time it was to Jeremiah 25:4- again and again, the Lord has sent you his prophets, but you have not listened or even tried to hear.
I closed my bible and continued to pray and cry.
I hear you Father. You have been talking to me and I wouldn't shut up long enough or really give up control enough to do what you were telling me to. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me.
I kinda felt I was pushing my luck but I asked God to verify this is really what he wanted me to do. I reopened my bible exactly back to Jeremiah 25.
I hear your message Lord and I will submit to your will.
I felt comfortable and free in what I was hearing. I talked to Rob and he agrees that I must make this leap of faith and let go of the control and let the Lord provide, like he always has. I will freely admit I am scared to pieces and that on paper it doesn't look good but this is something that has to be done.
As I was finishing my prayer time God put before me two more verses.
First was Matthew 2:6- For a ruler will come for you who will be the shepherd for my people. (the Lord is my shepherd)
and Romans 4:5- But people are declared righteous because of their faith, not because of their work.
How awesome is this? That the Lord would smack me upside the head and tell me what he wanted. That He loves me enough to guide me and forgive me and to lead me down the enlightened path. I have felt so truly blessed that today I stood before who was their of my congregation and told them most of my experience. I wasn't as eloquent as I am writing this and even before my church family I broke down several times in tears. But for some reason todays message (despair and psalm 113) and the song "over and over again" compelled me to tell of this experience.
I just hope and pray that what God has given for me and that I was able to stand up and say will help someone else in our church or surrounding family.
Oh, and yesterday I gave my notice. My last day will be Sat.21st.
I will pursue my passion in Scrapbooking and maybe take on a couple more classes at J's, which will fill one Saturday a month. Leaving me free. Free for my family and wherever the Lord will lead me. My anger is gone, my despair is gone. My prayers will continue, to stay strong, and listen, to have faith and give up the control.
PS my bible has no tabs, I just let my fingers do the walking.