Reflections from on the mountain.
I'll start by saying that it amazes me how we have the ability to go from 90 degrees here on the desert floor, then in less than an hour the temperature is in the sixties and we are surrounded by pine trees and cool breezes.
I haven't been to our church's annual retreat since Kelly was a few months old. I must say I like them better now.
I'm not really sure where I want to start.
The theme for our retreats are becoming a true spiritual community.
A place for healing, encouragement and intimacy.
We are not your usual church retreat. We don't study a book of the bible we work on learning and teaching what it means to be a child of God.
Saturday morning in our first session the question that was asked was, "What is the message I got from my Dad"?
I have already started working on my Daddy issues in Potters Wheel and I thought I was learning and growing from that but things have a way of sneaking up on a person.
I have found that I have plenty of hurt and resentment towards my Dad and the situation he is currently in. I keep looking for the love,encouragement and protection that my Dad is not capable of giving me but that I have it in Christ. I would dearly love to go into details but I feel this is something that is between my Dad and myself.
I knew what this weekend was going to be about and I was hoping to get some counseling for other issues I'm having trouble with. (Taking a deeeeep breath)
Have you every had a thought that just kept nagging at you. You know the thought is untrue but there are some kernel of truth to it? Here is my issue.
I am afraid to have a best friend, even though my heart is crying out for one, because I'm afraid they will die on me.
Yes I know everyone dies.
Since Kim's death a couple of thoughts just keep presisting.
Kim and Natalie were two of my best friends both have died at a young age. Kristie, Nat's sister is also one of my dearest friends and she is/ has been going through some scary health issues. My friend Julie has already survived one bout of cancer. I'm afraid of getting close because I'm scared they are going to die too early.
Does this make any sense??
I guess in one way to put it simply is I feel like a weird black widow. Don't become her friend because it might kill you.
Sounds crazy huh? And I know it is but the thought keeps presisting.
I want to have those close friends that we are still getting together in our 70's.
I am that person who cheers you on, helps you out, listens and offers advice. I am a best friend, the one you call to vent with or to just hang with the girls.
I actually feel better putting this out there, it makes it less of a fear and more laughable.
So this is my most major issue i wanted to work through and find out at the core why satan keeps whispering this in my ear when I know it's untrue.
i know from typing this it shows vulnerability, it shows my true heart. My love and protection for the people I care about most deeply.
One of the things that i can offer people is my heart and satan is trying to lock that away. Makes you wonder what great things i can accomplish that satan is trying to stifle?