Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Reflections from on the mountain.

I'll start by saying that it amazes me how we have the ability to go from 90 degrees here on the desert floor, then in less than an hour the temperature is in the sixties and we are surrounded by pine trees and cool breezes.
I haven't been to our church's annual retreat since Kelly was a few months old. I must say I like them better now.
I'm not really sure where I want to start.
The theme for our retreats are becoming a true spiritual community.

A place for healing, encouragement and intimacy.
We are not your usual church retreat. We don't study a book of the bible we work on learning and teaching what it means to be a child of God.
Saturday morning in our first session the question that was asked was, "What is the message I got from my Dad"?
I have already started working on my Daddy issues in Potters Wheel and I thought I was learning and growing from that but things have a way of sneaking up on a person.
I have found that I have plenty of hurt and resentment towards my Dad and the situation he is currently in. I keep looking for the love,encouragement and protection that my Dad is not capable of giving me but that I have it in Christ. I would dearly love to go into details but I feel this is something that is between my Dad and myself.
I knew what this weekend was going to be about and I was hoping to get some counseling for other issues I'm having trouble with. (Taking a deeeeep breath)

Have you every had a thought that just kept nagging at you. You know the thought is untrue but there are some kernel of truth to it? Here is my issue.

I am afraid to have a best friend, even though my heart is crying out for one, because I'm afraid they will die on me.
Yes I know everyone dies.
Since Kim's death a couple of thoughts just keep presisting.
Kim and Natalie were two of my best friends both have died at a young age. Kristie, Nat's sister is also one of my dearest friends and she is/ has been going through some scary health issues. My friend Julie has already survived one bout of cancer. I'm afraid of getting close because I'm scared they are going to die too early.
Does this make any sense??
I guess in one way to put it simply is I feel like a weird black widow. Don't become her friend because it might kill you.
Sounds crazy huh? And I know it is but the thought keeps presisting.

I want to have those close friends that we are still getting together in our 70's.
I am that person who cheers you on, helps you out, listens and offers advice. I am a best friend, the one you call to vent with or to just hang with the girls.

I actually feel better putting this out there, it makes it less of a fear and more laughable.

So this is my most major issue i wanted to work through and find out at the core why satan keeps whispering this in my ear when I know it's untrue.
i know from typing this it shows vulnerability, it shows my true heart. My love and protection for the people I care about most deeply.
One of the things that i can offer people is my heart and satan is trying to lock that away. Makes you wonder what great things i can accomplish that satan is trying to stifle?


Anonymous said...

Dear daughter,
A heart is a very complex thing, yes, its only a mucsle in the physical, but oh, how it can be hurt and trampled on. I too have some of the same issues that you have. Yes, you have lost some very dear friends, and we have shed alot of tears when they went away. Was it never is, in ones so young. But, Carrie you have so much to give, I wish Kris lived closer, and I know that you care for Julie alot. And then sometimes being a full time mom, leaves you out of touch with people, I guess it goes back to what David calls our busyness. Too busy to take the time...and satan, tell him to take a step away, no time to listen to the junk he's trying to tell you...yeh, easier to say then to do. Sooo, keep working on those friendships, because as I sit here, it made my heart ache, because I too have lost friends, not thru death, but neglect. I miss Candy and Larry, I miss the times with them, that I took for granted, and I will probably never get it back, and its my fault.
As for your dad, well that is something you and talked about just yesterday, think about what I said and go from there. It's not easy loving people, but well worth it.
To all far and near, I send my love and prayers.

Anonymous said...

No matter what happens, you will always have me, yes we lost Nat and you lost Kim and that leaves a whole that never really fills back up. Even with the distance between us, we will grow into our 70's together. We will always be old friends and when we are old with dementia...we will be new friends! lol Things happen for a reason, some reasons we may never know. But open your mind, I know your heart is already open, and just believe that Nat and Kim are still capable of communicating with you, they still have so much to teach us. It sounds kind of crazy, but I believe its true. Natalie leaves me little messages all of the time, and I know that God is using her to talk to me, because he knows that I will listen to her. I wish we lived closer, the distance sucks. But I know how you feel. I have lost Nat, and quit talking to other friends because of lifestyle differences. But having one and not being able to do stuff all the time makes it rough too. Just remember you have Rob, who now knows you better than anyone, he is your best friend...imagine him in make-up. just kidding but I know he is your best friend, like Mike is mine. But no matter what lacking a 'best girl-friend' is the hardest thing to go through. I know, I feel empty alot. But don't let it get you down, God has a way of making everything all right in the end. Keep your chin up and tell Satan to back off, he doesn't know who you have for back-up!! I love you, just like you are my sister!! and my best friend. Take it easy and keep smiling. And whenever you feel down call me, we can laugh about old times and someday soon, we will be able to make new memories...
Love ya