Friday, September 17, 2010

Almost a month ago I hit 35.
I've been depressed ever since.
We know about my dilemma about having a birthday party. This is/was the path I chose, to go on vacation, and I'm still having some trouble dealing with it.
I love birthdays, whether it is my family's or friends. Cards, cake, ice cream, presents.
The one day to celebrate you.
There is just one fly in the ointment.
 I hate my birthday.
That is a hard thing for me to say.
Let me try to explain and warning this could get long and complicated.
Most of my birthday party's have been just family, nothing wrong with that. All through my life most of my friends have forgotten when my birthday even is.
When Rob hit 35 I threw him this good ol bash, invited tons of friends, decorated everything in a Chinese flair and catered food. We agreed that every five years we would have a big sha bang. My 30th birthday was great! My mom, Rob and friends gave me a 80's themed  party which I loved. My best birthday ever. And I have been so excited for my 35th party ever since. Well until this summer anyhow.
So now I'm older and I thought wiser, but over the last year I have had a couple of friends have birthdays that basically have made me green eyed with jealousy.
It's not about the presents or the party either. It's the love that their friends have shown.
Both people have received lots of birthday cards, not just people saying Happy Birthday on Facebook, both have had friends take them out to lunch or movies. Their husbands have taken them out to dinner.

I've stated to my husband and others that turning 35 is really hard for me and I wasn't sure why. I think now I do.
Since Kim's death 3 years ago I have no close friends. I think I sincerely try, but making friends is so complicated and I feel really unsure what to do. Seriously, I feel like an outsider trying to find someone to want to be my friend. And making friends now is way different than it was in school.
Seeing shows like Friends, Sex and the City, How I met your mother, and reading books where the theme is women friends orientated just seem to make me want that type of friendship more.
Except I have no idea how to get it.
Last year I was part of a group that was learning how to quilt. I really liked each woman in that group and had hoped we could continue and grow closer but that group has since fallen apart. Also I had hoped that someone would join our home church that I could really connect with and that hasn't happened either.
Back to my birthday story rant.
So my birthday this year was no where near ideal. It would rank pretty sucky on most peoples lists. Here's how it went.
Got up and ready for the day, came back to the campsite where hubby gave me kiss told me if it wasn't for his phone he would have forgotten it was my day. Thanks dude but really you don't tell your wife that.
We loaded up our gear and headed to breakfast where Rob had the kids sing Happy Birthday to me in the car. Rob asked if the restaurant did anything special for birthdays but they said no. Eat. We hit the road. I get a text from my Mom that reads happy Birthday.
We make a couple of stops but we get home at 4:30 that night. I call mother in law to let her know we were back and thank her for providing dinner. She apologizes for forgetting that it's my birthday. Thanks, not what I need to hear
Get home, My mom had dropped off a balloon, which was immediately confiscated by my kids, two cards and some cupcakes. Thanks mom!! My dad tried to call but he was at a baseball game and couldn't hear me. Sigh.
That was my day. I got on Facebook and I had 14 birthday wishes and I didn't have the heart to say how much my day sucked and all I wanted to do was cry.( as I have been doing as I've been writing this out)

So I think my goal for this next year is to make sure I send a card (at the least) to people I like on their birthdays, so that they at least know that they matter to me.
I keep praying that God would make me into a person a friend would want to have and to teach me how to be a great friend. My other prayer is that by my 40th (gulp)birthday that I'll be in a much better time in my life than I am right now.

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