Friday, November 09, 2012

thankful #9

Today I was going to write about something else I am thankful for but as I sat here trying to muster the enthusiasm to write this post I realized that I can change things up whenever I want.
So here I go.
Today I'm thankful for fresh starts. Everyday is a chance to begin again, to try and correct wrongs or to just learn a lesson from mistakes and move on.
Today, with a friend, I'm beginning a bible study called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. The ladies in our church did it awhile ago but I wasn't able to attend and I wasn't in the right place. When I mentioned that I was interested in doing the study, I received many reviews from the ladies on how much it helped them so I was even more excited to go ahead.
Today we started session one. I have so much hope and expectation in this study, especially when Beth Moore is making some big promises. I will do the work because I want the results. I want to be free. I have a mission that God has put upon my heart to do and since I laid down the ground work for my retreat course I have been emotionally attacked, financially smacked around and physically drained. The bright light that I had for so long was dimmed, not out but dimmed. I have struggled to figure out what is happening, I have cried out to God as to why, what am I to learn from this, get me through this so that I can move on.
A couple of points have been made known to me. One is my demands of God. Show me, give me, deliver me. Two, is not talking to God and telling him how disappointed, sad and hurt I feel and have felt. This is hard for me, its easier for me to be angry then to say to the One who gives me everything that I am disappointed and broken. Broken, I feel that I am and I have taken that to God and I have cried out in grief, anger, desperation and in a tantrum, that feeling like you can't take anymore. But for me to lash out at Him because nothing has changed in my day to day life, and even though I have been taken care of with a roof over my head and food on the table, its not enough in my eyes and so I cry out with the whys. Why does it have to be like this or why can't we have or do that. The negativity that comes over me is crushing sometimes, and I stress sometimes because I trust it won't always be the case. I want to wake up feeling free and instead of feeling oppressed of what I cannot do. I so struggle to get out of that mind set.
Every day I begin again, I try not to worry about tomorrow and the financial worries that always seem to brew in the back of my mind, I try not to judge my life against what others have or what they can do, I try, I try, I try. When I fail, I ask for forgiveness, I ask God to change my heart, to help me to move forward, to show me the way. I ask a lot. I want to be the person that God created me to be, I'm striving to be the person God created me to be.
Lately I have been told to be still and not to be some impatient, it's all on God's time. If you only knew how hard that is on me, but I try. I try. I try to force me will on God. I have seen myself use scripture like a life line and as a weapon in my prayers. I feel like I'm trying to figure everything out or just trying to keep up with what's going on around me. To be open to what others are saying, to listen for God's voice. I listen to music and the lyrics speak to me. I cry out, yes God, that is what I want for me.
I want, did you catch that one? I wonder how often I use I want when its not in relation to what He wants for me? Sigh
I love that I can try again. That by His grace I can try again. I'm so grateful for that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Daughter,

By HIS grace alone.
I have, as you know struggled with these same problems all these years...why things go the way they do. Sometimes, I feel it was all my fault, mistakes, misjudgements that I alone have caused, and then when I quit beating myself up...I feel I'm right where God wants me to be. The struggle sometimes is extremely hard, I want my questions answered "Now."
Stop, let stillness come into your heart and soul, quiet your mind and BE. He will talk, you just have to be still and listen. Will it always go the way you want....not!!! But have patience and your questions will be answered.But really, look at me....I'm still searching, and each day brings me a new gift, you have to stop and enjoy them.

Love you