I'm leaving...on a jet plane

won't be coming home again... till Wednesday June 13th 9:30pm!!!!

Rob and I are having steak and potatoes for dinner and then we are going to see Pirates 3. so I don't see where I could make a lenghty post.

Take care of yourselves and I'll see you soon.

Love you all and Thank you

Carrie

50 lbs? Yeah right

I have finished packing and can I say that my biggest suitcase weighed in at 55lbs.

After rearranging I have gotten it down to 50 even by my scale. I had to take out my pillow and move my bible to the small case. I have the small case at 40lbs. hehehe. Poor thing is stuffed to the gills. Once we get to Paris and the missionaries I can take out the bottle of vitamins, peanut butter, and pickles, plus like 5 hardcover books. Then I'll have room for the souveniers (sp?).

All my suitcases have all my info inside and out. I'm ready for just about anything.

Getting very excited and nervous!

I found a book at Costco that is Paris; then and now. It is full of photos of the different sites around Paris and how they have or have not changed. I flipped through it fast but it looked cool.

**So I have made Rob a few lists of bills to pay, groceries to buy etc, etc.

One more day to get any last minute items.

Have a great one! Carrie

post memorial day weekend

Hi to ALL!

Had a very nice weekend. mom, kids and I did Family Day in the Park on Saturday. The kids had a great time and they did so well. Toward the end even Kelly was yelling out "Ice cold water" to bring people to our booth. Once the water was out of the big cooler Kelly decided to jump in. Wyatt followed wearing a fresh diaper. dang it (I would have stripped him). Two kids laughing and playing in a cooler was hilarious. And of course I didn't bring the camera. Lots of people got a kick out of seeing them laughing and splashing. It was a much enjoyed relief from the heat.

Sunday we just hung around the house and Yesterday besides me going to work in the evening, Rob went golfing with his new clubs for the first time. Rob and Mikey went to Enke course at 6:20am and played 18 holes. They both looked so whipped when they got home. Rob ended up taking a nap and chillin' till I left for work.

I spent the day packing. I'm almost 100% done and my big suitcase is very close to exceeding the 50lb limits. I'm going to try and cram more into the little suitcase because it has about 20lbs more to go.

Otherwise getting excited and nervous about Friday. I have to be at the airport at 6am!!

Now I have learned that there is lots of internet cafes so maybe I will try and post from Paris. that would be so cool.

Okay time to go clean the house before home group tonight.

Oh Yeah potty training Wyatt is getting there. Yesterday we had no accidents except when he pooped in his pullup. Even when wearing pants that boy poops in them. I can't get him to understand that he needs to use the potty for that too. But he is doing very good considering I will put him in a pullup or diaper depending on where we are going.

So hugs to you I'm off to clean and finish packing.

C

ps the picture of the flowers is from the bouquet that I got for Kim.

Kid-ism's

"Mom can you go take a shower?"
This is code for "So I can do what I want".
I made the kids cereal but it's on the table and not on her Ariel tv tray that sits on the floor.
She comes up to me and says the above and I just have to smile. she thinks she is so slick.

**Potty training resumes today........ we shall see how it goes.
Picked up the graduation pictures from Clements center for Ms.Kelly and talked to Gloria(the coordinator). She said once Wyatt is potty trained to sign him up for this fall. Thinking that might be a good idea...

Goodbye/ Hello

Last night was Kim's memorial service. I didn't shed a tear.I'm not saying this as a brag it's that the priest that performed the service didn't know Kim and therefore didn't touch me.

I think what helped was that that morning I had helped with a collage of pictures of Kim. Lots of good memories popped up.

For the service I orderded a bouquet of 4 dozen gerber daisies in multicolors. That was Kims favorite flower and I couldn't give her a proper send off without them. I will have to take a picture of them. Pop asked if there was any arrangement there at the service that I wanted to take home and I asked for mine back. I hope to be able to press some of the flowers and perserve as many as possible. Pop liked that idea.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and myself and another of our friends Elena, felt good. Kim is in a better place, she doesn't hurt, she isn't disappointed, she is with family that she has missed deeply for years. For me, I know Kim is finally happy.

I have been remembering lots of shananigans that we got into and some of the stuff we have done together. I remember good times and bad. And even though there was a point I wanted to end the friendship something always held me back. She was the sister I didn't have, that dysfuntional sisterly love/hate we had for each other.

I will not saint Kim as I speak of her. We had good/bad times, and I would do a disjustice to both of us if I tried to make everything rosy.

I have learned more about myself and things that I want to get written down for my kids to know about me. I want more pictures taken with my kids and my hubby. I never want to hear that no one can find a picture of me with my family including my brother, mother and father.

The priest did say one thing that really made the whole service; It's not about the day you were born or the day you died, it's the dash in between those dates and what you did with it that matters.

This is a what matters most. the lives you touch and the people who love you.

***In other news, after almost one freaking year, I was cleaning up my suitcase and I found my bible!! I searched this suitcase 3x last year and didn't feel it. This is the bible that I just recently replaced with a hardcover version (which is going to Mikey). I am so excited because in there are bookmarks from my baptism, vbs,etc. SO Yay God! thank you for giving this back to me, It has weighed on my mind for the last year that," how could I lose my bible?"

So have a beautiful day. hug someone you love

Carrie

The hits keep coming.

Last night was Kelly's graduation. We couldn't get her to look at the camera in her very pretty dress unless she was making a funny face, so this is the best shot from before graduation.

At graduation we struggled to get her to put on the cap and gown, once that was on grandmom stayed with her as the kids were to walk up the aisle and sit on the stage. Kelly lost it. She wouldn't do any of it. Kelly ended up sitting in the audience with us and we couldn't coax her to get her certificate. The after graduation photos didn't go much better. I don't think the guy got a shot of her. I was ready to cry, oh hell, I did cry. I asked my mom what did I do wrong, that my child is so introverted that she won't do anything that her classmates do. It really upsets me that Kelly doesn't or refuses to try to do anything with anyone unless she really knows the other kids. So after we did the graduation pictures we immediately left. We did not stay for the cake or to hang out.

I know I shouldn't let this bother me and I know where it comes from. Wanting that child who takes the perfect picture, who does what you tell them, and actually talks to the other kids and plays with them.

I now have to work on "my" thinking or my idea of how my child is, not what I want her to be.

**** so this morning we had another hit. Our little boston terrier Bubba passed away last night. We buried him this morning next to the grave of our boxer Brewtus. Rob has taken the day off again and he really is having a hard time dealing with all of this but he hasn't cried and he says he feels he has nothing inside. I think this all stems from his father's death many years ago. I feel that he has not grieved.

I told Kelly that Bubba went to heaven and that we won't see him again. I know she doesn't fully understand but she hasn't asked where he is yet either. I also said we only have Chester (who isn't doing great- he's 12) and Braxton to play with now. She said "Okay" and we will see how it goes.

**The memorial service for Kim is scheduled for Monday at 6pm at Arizona Mortuary on Stone. I still have some friends of Kim to tell once I can get their phone numbers.

So I think since all the family is home today we will go out to lunch or do anything to get us out of the house.

So if you pray please pray for us right now, we so need to be spiritually renewed.

Love, Carrie

I lost my best friend

This morning at 1:15am Kim passed away. Her passing was peaceful. By her side was her Dad Frank, her friend and neighbor Pat and myself.
I received word from her Dad around 11:30 yesterday morning that it wouldn't be much longer. My mother in law took the kids and I went up to be with Kim.
Friends came through to say their goodbyes and to pray. I sat by her side and talked to her as much as I could. We told all the stories that we could remember and teased her about some of our exploits.
One of the most touching moments was when Rob left to go home he told Kim goodbye and she raised her hand and waved. That was the most consious/responsive she was to anyone. Unless you were holding her hand then she might give you a squeeze.
I know she is in a better place and that she is no longer in pain. She is with family in heaven that she has missed so much. Probably arguing with her mom right now:)
I love her and miss her and she is in my heart.

good news, bad news

Good news:

Over this past weekend we did 3 fundraisers and netted $600. Yee Haw! with additional checks that have come in we have met our goal!!! I'm going to Paris! I'm very nervous because the people there are so fasionable and because of where I'm working I'm gonna look like a frump. All of my shirts most cover my rump and show no cleavage. I'm going to look HUGE!

Bad news: On friday Kim's dad Frank stopped by the house to let me know that besides the cancer being back that the doctors have given her 3 months to live. I'm not surprised, I said how bad she is looking. Kim is not giving up hope, she has asked for another round of chemo. I personally believe this round will kill her. She can't take much more and I just don't want her to be in anymore pain. If she continues on they will eventually move her to hospice. The doctors have said that there isn't anymore they can do concerning pain meds, if she switches to hospice then they can drug her as much as she wants.

This is the last picture taken with Kim in it. This was taken at Wyatt's birthday last year.

Kim has lost 73lbs since Dec. That should put her under 150. I was teasing her that I knew she wanted to be skinny but this was pushing it. Kim is not eating or drinking........she is letting herself die.

Prayers for Kim, that God will ease her suffering and take her quickly. That she will remember how much we love her and that she will make peace with God and follow him to heaven.

funny things kids say

Doing much better today. I've been baking for this Saturday's bake sale like a mad demon. This time around I had a little helper with me. Kelly just loves to dump some of the ingredients into the mixing bowl. I like that she has taken an interest in helping. Shoot she even helps dry the dishes when I'm done.

Cute thing that I want to remember is that yesterday we went to Fry's to pick up some things I had run out of when Kelly asked if we could get some "wockles". I laugh just typing it out.

"We need what honey?"

"Wockles"

Do you mean waffles?

yeah, wockles

I'm not going to try and correct it because it is too cute. She will learn soon enough. It reminds me how my brother would say spaghetti.

And no I didn't buy any wockles.

Wyatt has really started to increase his vocabulary and is identifying his colors very well. I really love how when something someone does interests him he goes, "my turn, my turn". He has the cutest voice.

There have been so many changes in my little guy recently. He will get his shoes when I ask for them, he is getting better at undressing himself and we are working on the getting dressed part. he loves to drink ice water as long as it is from my cup with a straw. I can't do this with his cup but he will drink from mine.

Oh, this one happened last night. I like to watch reruns of the 70's show. Well they were playing the theme song and at the end of the song they sing "We're all alright, we're all okay",

Yes, Kelly sang just that last part. I whipped my head around to look at her and she was playing with a toy at the table not really paying attention. The tv was only on in the living room and I was in the kitchen. It was just so surprising to hear this little voice sing nothing else but that line. I guess I watch the show too much.

Not much else I can think of right now. I need to get the next round of bread ready and go make Kelly's bed. I still need to go buy stamps so that I can mail out my thankyou cards.

Can you believe 2 weeks before Paris? I'm starting to have anxiety. I just don't feel ready for this trip yet. I will start to work on the packing this weekend, getting the travel toiletries and my books and magazines ready. I need to call the camera shop and see if they can show me how to clean the sensor on my camera. It is supposed to be done every few months but it's been over a year and I'm sure it needs it. I want to take the best pictues of course. Gosh, I'm sooo nervous. breathe, breathe, breathe. don't hyperventilate, slow and deep. Make lists. I need to make more lists.

Okay off to keep baking, list making, bed making, card making, snack making(soon), all that mommy stuff. breathe

Have a good weekend and I'll try to update this weekend.

rough day

I'm not totally sure where to start and I just know I'm going to ramble so please bear with me. The last couple of months I have been dealing with lots of anger issues. to the point where I would just love to crawl into a hole and have people leave me alone but then I would still be angry cause no one came calling. i always thought I would make a great hermit. okay back to anger. I have been angry from many angles. Angry at my life, and why i'm to chicken to take chances, angry at my family for stupid stuff like not thinking things through, angry at Kim because she won't call me and I don't think she wants to live and I ca't get her to tell me anything going on in her head. I'm angry at members of my church family because they are to sensitive and after 4+ years together they won't be real. Angry at other members for not being willing to step up and help out. lots of angry. but I realize that i'm not angry at God.
I went to visit Kim this morning and I admit I was angry and hurt because she hasn't called me or answer her phone when I have called. So in my head I plan all these things I might say if the opportunity comes up. I walk into her room and she is asleep in her recliner. At first i wasn't sure if i should wake her but it gave me a chance to study her and she looks so much worse than she did a couple of weeks ago. She has lost 73lbs. Except for her butt and stomach she is nothing but skin and bones. her face is so hollowed out that she resembles a skeleton. The swelling that she had is way down but she still needs assistance to get up and down from the bed or chair. She is still in lots of pain and is on a continous and manual diloted(sp?) pump. Here's the kicker. The cancer is back but it has relocated to her stomach, hence the pain. They can only do more chemo. She found this out yesterday, her father doesn't know yet. I asked if she could do another round of chemo and she said yes. I asked if she felt like she was getting stronger, she said good days and bad days, and immediately said," I don't want to talk about it right now".
Anger. because I want to know and understand. I want to know what's rattling around in that brain of hers. I worry that she is going to die while I'm away or that she is going to die anyway. Anger at her for staying closed off to me. Anger at myself for living my life and not being there enough for her. Did I do enough? I will always think probably not. Did I put her before me? No I was too hurt and I wanted her to hurt. Do I blame her for the cancer and her treatments and her attitude? (tired)Yes. I know this sounds unreasonable but I blame her for getting cancer and not giving a good fight. She had a year warning that they found cancer cells and she did nothing. Only in movies or seen pictures of people in Africa have I seen a person look soo bad, so gaunt. I feel that she has given up. what if that's not true?? How can I know if she can't speak more than a whisper but her eyes look so tired. Angry. Angry that my life is continuing on and she's not an active part. We have had lots of ups and downs over the years but this isn't how I wanted things to go. I wouldn't dream this on my worst enemy.
So I believe and I could be wrong that alot of my anger is centered around Kim. I feel in other areas that I need my voice to be heard and I need to step up and I need to let people know I can contribute. I don't know, I really don't.
Ramblings of a very drained person. I cried most of the way home from the hospital and I'm fighting tears again as I type this out. Hopefully tomorrow when I go back up to the hospital I will be better and have a slightly better understanding.
Much peace to you and yours. C

lots of pictures

My kids just loooove their Uncle Monkey. Kinda evident huh???
Wyatt has taken to crawling all over the poor guy each time he comes over. But I know Mikey likes it. I actually have tons of shots of this session, where at one point Wyatt is beating Mikey in the head and one of him covering his eyes.

So yesterday the kids and I went to the childrens museum. They had such a blast. I could barely get them from room to room. We will definitely go again this summer. We needed more than 2 hours to do it all. I hung out with the ladies from my mommies group while the kids played in the Farmers Market. They got to grocery shop and play with lincoln logs and duplo blocks while we ladies chatted. We went as soon as they opened, which was nice cause it was just us and a small school group.

Okay no pictures of this but today I signed Kelly up for Kindergarten. Oh gosh! Oh gosh! I am super excited but bittersweet all the same. My baby has survived living with me long enough to go to school. It's a proud moment. (seriously I'm not THAT bad) just being a little melodramatic for fun, sortof. hehehe

I'm very happy that she will be going to TAG Elementary. We know so many families that go there that it should be a good transition. One of the kids from her sunday school might even be in her class. Cool!!

**Getting excited about Paris but i still need to raise $700 by the end of May. Yikes. God willing it will work out fine. Right now I'm hitting travel websites for all the places we might go see after our mission is over.

Before I forget SORRY DAD that I have no pictures of Mikeys new rims. You'll just have to keep an eye out I'll get them on here sooner or later.