Rough patch

I'm feeling lost and frustrated today. I have stressed out my back just enough that I can only do limited exercises. I so fear my back going out completely, that was utter hell that I don't want a repeat performance. My weight hit 223.2 this morning, the same weight I was at in October of 2016 when I started my new job. Gosh, I'm beating myself up. I know your weight fluctuates daily but I should be losing, not slowly gaining. I know that I need to calm the F***k down, but if only I understood what was going on and what do I need to do to change.
I keep telling myself that this is a plateau and eventually I'll bust through it, but mentally it is so hard. Can I truly love myself at this number, this size? I would like to think so but knowing that I'm so so close, the feeling of failure sits on my shoulder like a bad tattoo.
So while I'm not giving up or giving in, I am having a mini pity party today.

I snagged this picture off of Instagram, it a excerpt from a book by Stephen Covey, and for me if feels like a mission statement for the next four years.

Tomorrow is the inauguration for our 45th president, Donald Trump. To say I'm nervous and a little scared is an understatement. What I choose to focus on is my hope. Hope that he will calm down and become a great leader, that he will improve the business side of our country, and find a way to unite us. That he will remain level headed and make America strong internationally. I didn't vote for either him or Hillary but I did vote. The people have spoken and I choose to respect the office of the President of the United States.

I am not adept enough to go into all the reasons and underlying motivations I feel I see coming from not only the P.O.T.U.S but also the everyday American. The hate and disrespect that has been flowing around our country is totally unacceptable and goes to show how much we need to want to change ourselves, to show love and be love in a country screaming hate and being intolerant to each other. We need to stop standing on the sidelines and have each others back, to be respectful and give respect. If you're going to criticize have a possible solution. The secret to life is love, to love yourself and to love others. You may not like them personally, but to love them for what they may bring to this world. This will hopefully be my focus. 

I'm hearing that there will be a women's march on Washington DC the day after the inauguration,   It's followed by Love Warriors like Glennon Doyle Melton and writers Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert, there are artists, actors and athletes galore. I just went to www.womensmarch.com and saw the title of this march. Its called The rise of the woman = the rise of the nation. I encourage you to read their mission statement. Heck, I just may print it out for myself. 

I pray for our new administration, may they rise to their offices, and govern with wisdom and be a light for our world.

major non scale victory

Yesterday I celebrated my one year Dr. Gann anniversary. That was the day that with help and accountability I took back control on my health.
On Friday, I had my normal 3 month A1c checkup. I must admit I was a little nervous, I had had a rough December and really had no idea what my blood sugar was going to be. 
Dr Hamant came in and started looking over my test results. I had lost a little more weight, my blood pressure was great, I'm on pins and needles here, your A1c was at 6.1 and is now at 5.9. Seriously?
He asked if I was still taking my meds and I told him that I hadn't taken them since September.
Dr. Hamant says that normal A1c is 5.7 and he said that I no longer have to test my blood sugar everyday!!! I'm in the pre diabetic stage and hopefully if I continue my healthy eating I just may get my numbers back to 5.7. How Awesome!!!
Admittedly, I started crying. This is so major huge for me. My doctor gave me the awkward pat on the shoulder and later on the knee that had me smiling. He told me that I did good, all my hard work has paid off, now keep going and don't slide backwards or he'll beat me up, lol. I said not as much as I would to myself.
So my doctor says that my weight loss is going to slow as I get closer to my goal and get harder to obtain, like I don't already know that. My one year weight is 219.2, a total loss of 57.2 lbs. it doesn't seem like much when I see other people who have lost 100+ in a year but my before and after has me very pleased and wanting to fight for the next 24 lbs that I want to lose. Onward and upward!
These photos were taken at my last appointment with Dr. Gann where I earned my 50 lbs lost star. Too bad they don't have one for 75 cause I'm gonna hit it!

Sabotage

I know in my heart that I won't be making my 215 weight goal by 1/16/17. I can't say that I've sabotaged myself but injury and my last two evening meals haven't helped. I'm told I beat myself up way too much over my weight. I'm just truly afraid that this is where I'm going to stand, and for me that's not acceptable. I'm sooo close to where I want to be. I want to finish what I've started, I can obviously maintain, but do I have what it takes to get me through to the finish line?
When I started this journey to health I took my plan and yearning straight to God. I asked him to walk with me and lift me up when I struggled or became stagnant. I feel that I've lost that lately. I think about inner voices and will power more and more lately and how it affects daily choices. (I can say that when two dozen donuts were placed on the table next to me at work, I didn't have one, and when someone brought in a bunch of beautiful oranges I snagged one up real quick. A few of the ladies at work are going to do a diet bet for the next 90 days, here's to hoping that it brings great results for them and less crap around here.)

On my lunch today I feel the strong urge to come to Him. I know there are a variety of factors why I've added a couple of pounds, just as I know they will come back down, but its my morale and mind set that makes me think sabotage. What do I need to work on or work through to get myself charging forward?
I screen shot this from Instagram a couple of weeks ago, as I was looking through for a photo to add to this post this one popped up. I have probably been feeling this way for a while now or maybe deep down I knew I was going to need this. I just pray to hang on.
Please don't get me wrong. If I stay this weight, its not the end of the world, I'm not a loser, my body is amazing and beautiful, my body is so much stronger. There will be a time where the occasional donut isn't going to be a big deal, like there is now, I'm just trying to finish what I've started. Believe me, I do not deprive myself of treats, they're just usually low carb, or in moderation, and I don't go as crazy as I once did.
Sadly, I'm having trouble really conveying what I'm trying to say. I think about both sides of weight loss, body image, moderation, loving myself and even though it may sound like I'm bagging on myself there is the other side that quietly pipes up and says why? is this really a bad thing? does it really matter? does it define who I am? does it make me happy? is it hurting me in the long run?

weekend update

On Friday night we went to the annual cookie kickoff at the U of A McKale center. For the second year in a row we got to watch the ladies gymnastics team perform. Just amazing.
Chelsea is still part of troop 534 and Kelly has stopped joining her old troop. With Junior strings, Saturdays got a little crazy, plus she felt she was outgrowing scouts and didn't want to go anymore.
This year is Chelsea's second as a Brownie and I have stepped down as cookie mom. Two years was more than enough for me. Granted I'm sure I will miss the control and the interaction with the moms but cookie season kills me. I'm dreading it, all of it. I'm kind of hoping this will be Chelsea's last year. We both feel like outcasts in the troop we created. I've been involved with scouts for a little over 10 years now. I'm tired, no I'm burned out. Hopefully we can get Chelsea to her goal of 500 boxes, but I'm just hoping she'll put more effort into working at selling cookies herself. Truly, my baby is a lazy little toad at times, and it drives me crazy.
Friday night was also the lock in for the boy scouts. Wyatt had such hopes about staying up all night to play video games but in the end he was out for the count at midnight-ish and back up before 6. That's OK by me because he wasn't grouchy on Saturday.
As weekends go, it was a pretty nice one. We are slowly making progress with decluttering our home. We got rid of one box of junk from the girls room, one box of clothes from me and about 5 boxes of old baby/kids books. I completed more of organizing my craft supplies and was able to make some cards with my mom on Sunday. I'm finding that now that I work full time, I use what time I have better. Where as a stay at home mom, I kept putting things off because I always felt I had all the time to do it.
My plan, at least for right now, is to start working on my side of our bedroom. Cleaning out drawers and under neath our bed. The transition of getting rid of the clothes that are too big, and new clothes, new work necessities has made my side a lot messy. Which is really starting to weigh on my nerves, especially with how well things are progressing in the rest of the house.

Word of the year for 2017- *Victory*

In 2015 my word was Faith, I was struggling in my godly walk and trusting God to take control. That year he opened my eyes and calmed my heart. In 2016, my word was Believe. Believe that I was worthy enough, that I was enough, period. Believe that good things could and would happen. In a lot of ways last year felt so light for me. Right now I chalk it up to all the physical and emotional changes that I was going through.
In December when the prompt for "one little word" started making the social media rounds, I started praying about it. My heart or my mind wouldn't let go of the word, Victory.
This is the year that I want to proclaim victory. I want to hit my weight goal of 215, and then hit my new goal of 195. I want to maintain a better love for myself and my health, aka blood sugars. Let's see, I want to get out from under the credit card debt. I also have plans to take two mother/daughter trips with my mom this year. The first trip is sch
eduled for May to visit family in Ohio and then the next in July where we head to Monterey so mom can attend a wedding. I'm so excited for both. In April, Rob and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary, while no plans to celebrate have been made yet, I'll chalk it up as another victory for both of us that after all these years we still enjoy each other as much as the day we were married. No small feat in todays world and I know I owe it to the big man upstairs.
So with positive thoughts, a good work ethic and lots of God time, I own that VICTORY will be mine this year.
Carrie

New Year, new me

Happy New Year! 

I just re read my last post and so much has changed. I've decided that my blog is going to be for me. My online journal. I'm not going to try and turn it into a business or a popularity contest. Just my thoughts, my memories. This past year I have spent way to much time thinking about blogging and looking at resources about blogging than actually blogging. Crickets....chirping.

Now that a new year has begun I have regretted not keeping up with the last couple of years because I don't have a memory book to look back on. I've contemplated doing a yearly recap for 2016, but lets be honest, I'm too lazy to do it, lol.

Where to begin? In October I left my job as a monitor at Chelsea's school and went back to work full time with the Western Passport Center. My hours are similar to the kids' school schedule, so I'm not missing out on anything. It's been quite the adjustment for me but things are getting better.

One of the great benefits is the extra money that it brings in. Our goal for 2017 is to be almost completely debt free. I can just taste the freedom!

Looking back at my last post in March, I had lost about 20lbs. So, where am I now? 

I'm almost too giddy to post the answer.

These two photos, taken on the 2nd of January show my current look. I'm currently at 219 lbs, I've lost 57 lbs so far and I'm 4lbs away from the original goal of 215 I set at Dr. Gann's last January!!

In fact, my one year anniversary is on the 16th. The week of Christmas the scale actually hit 216 for two days but come on, Christmas dinner, work potlucks, new year and Mikeys' 39th birthday. I've cardioed my heart out to keep my weight somewhat in check, but still. My hope is to be back to 216 by the 16th or better yet 215. How awesome would that be?!

Mom and I transferred to the gym back in April when it started getting too hot to walk around the block. We go roughly 5 times a week only taking Wednesday and Sundays off. I really like the consistency. In November moms schedule went a little crazy so I usually go to the gym on my own, well until I talked my friend Wendy into joining. We meet up after work and put in a good hour of sweating. I am

so close to my goal I've focused more on cardio than building strength. Does that make any sense?
Let's see... more stats, I'm wearing a ladies size 16 almost a 14 in pants and an XL in shirts. Oh to be able to find clothes easier! I've been hitting the local thrift shops for my work wardrobe and I have gone a little crazy, but I'm loving it!
I haven't been this small since the year we got married and it will be 20yrs in April.
New goals, my new goal is to get to 195. Back to onderland. I figure that getting to 195 I can consistently maintain my weight closer to 200. My other goal is to fit back into my wedding dress. I tried it on the other day and it fits except the arms which makes the neck about an inch away from buttoning up. Since the dress was tailored to me 20 yrs ago I can only hope to get my arms toned enough to get it buttoned. If not, no biggie, it fits everywhere else.
I plan on doing another post about all my feelings and the journey but my thought process is to wait until I hit 215 and right now I'm just jotting down thoughts about things I want to cover.
Gosh, I wish I had consistently blogged. Very frustrated with myself, because now I'm trying to back track and explain. Grrr.