Friday, August 09, 2013

Photo taken 2010 Sedona
The first full week of school is almost over and we are slowly getting back into a routine of homework, scouts and such.
Me? I'm still struggling. It surely hasn't helped that I haven't been feeling well since Tuesday. What I thought was sinus drainage Wednesday morning, looks like strep and even after more than 24hrs on antibiotics my throat still hurts. Thankfully the fever is gone. If things aren't getting better by tonight I just may need to go to the doctors.
But that's not what's on my mind.
I'm struggling and I don't know what questions to ask to find the source. Even now, trying to type this, my mind is flying from here to there with no direction.
Maybe that's it. I have no direction.
My plans were to clean up and organize my scrap room this week. Seriously, just the thought of going in there sends me to the couch and turning on Netflix. It is horrendously bad.
On my creative to do list is catching up the kids' school albums. It should be easy enough and yet I keep putting it off. Procrastination is my middle name.
I know it will make me feel better.

A few months ago I decided that I was going to be more positive in every aspect of my life, I thought it would bring about some pleasant changes that would begat more pleasant changes. Yes, I said begat. I went from trying to think happy to crappy really quick. I can't seem to turn off the negative talk in my head. I'm tired all the time and just don't have any drive.
Since I've been sick anyway, I've been doing some reading. I'm still working through the book, The Woman's book of Creativity by C. Diane Ealy and while at Bookman's found a book called, One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant.
Both books have talked about getting quiet and I just have one excuse after another about why I can't make the time to get quiet. The second book is actually a 40 day devotional about working towards spiritual strength and personal growth.
My head is all in a tizzy and yet my butt stays parked.
I pray for something great to happen to light a fire under me. I'm tired of thinking of all the things I can't do and I'm truly trying to focus on the things I can. I'm exhausted from the inner battle. I know I'm being strengthened and in some little way I'm growing, but man does it hurt, and when you lose sight of the light it seems like such a void of nothing all around you. I'm grasping to whatever light I can find to get me where I'm supposed to go. I guess that's all I can do. My faith and prayers are my lifeline but at times I can feel them start to unravel when prayers go unanswered.
Well, I guess that's maudlin enough for today.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey kiddo,
Glad that your starting to physically feel better, but it sounds like you need some soul care. It is so very hard not getting questions answered, we are a generation of wanting and needing things NOW. The only problem is...(and we've learned this)is to have patience. So blasted easy to say and so hard to live by. I wonder why and how some people...just everything falls into place for them and then others, it is a life long constant struggle.
Keep searching for your answers..they are out there, never lose sight of who is really in control.