Give yourself a break

Give yourself a break.
This is the statement I've heard a couple of times this week.
It's not easy to hear or do, sigh, but something has got to give.
Last spring when everything went to crap with my she shed and activity slowed to a crawl I became depressed, angry and self abusive. I've gained about 30 lbs and my self esteem went down the drain. I fought the battle of the bulge but I didn't do the mental work to deal with the roots of my issues so when crap hit the fan all the yuck came up. I have tried to work on me with self help and leadership books. I started following positivism accounts on Instagram. I read bible verses, I prayed, I grieved.
Yesterday, Rob asked me when was the last time I read for fun, did anything for fun, being post monthly time all I wanted to do was cry.
How do you give yourself a break? How do you let the truth sink in? The truth that you are perfectly and wonderfully made and that some of your wiring needs to be updated.
I sit in this, not knowing whats my next step, most days are good and I fake it till I make it other days my head stays down, I become quiet and more introspective.
There is a small quiet voice that says if I can let go, the weight will come off, I'll feel better and be more productive in the long run.
So this morning I grabbed a "good" book that my mom gave me and will begin reading for fun.
My mind is already trying to busy myself up with my "have to do's".
I really don't need to read more self help books, they're all starting to say the same thing. I just need to feel them, accept the truth, does that make any sense. The answers are in me, with me but nothing is penetrating this mire of crap I'm sitting in.

*Carrie*

One little word 2019

My word this year didn't come easy, nothing felt right and as others started sharing their words I wondered when mine would appear.
Unfortunately, I don't remember what triggered me but the word THRIVE popped in my head. A little back story. A few weeks ago I broke down on my husband. Several things had come to a head and I lost it. I said to him that this, where we are at right now can't be the best we'll get, I want more for us. I want better/more for me. I don't want to survive, and roll with the punches, maybe that's what triggered me. There is a song by Casting Crowns call Thrive, there is a lyric that says, " we were made for so much more than ordinary lives, its time for us to more than just survive, we were made to thrive.
Thrive by definition means to grow vigorously: flourish to prosper. To progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances.

It's time to take what I've learned and grown from and push past the fear and take action on my dreams.
I didn't make any resolutions but I've started this year actively trying to learn, grown and change. I'm starting with Mel Robbins Mindset Reset a 30 day program with steps to change my hindering beliefs. I'm also working with a women's group from church on the Keys to Freedom study. This has us working on the roots of her hindering beliefs.
I'm working on making this a trans formative year. I plan to finish my studio, I want to try my hand at making You Tube videos and generally be more creative.
I sometimes doubt my gut instinct and I ask for conformation. Confirmation was received one afternoon as I was walking on the treadmill and listening to an inspirational talk from Tony Robbins and Les Brown called, "I can, I will, I must. By the end of his video the passion and desire to pursue my dreams was like a fast spreading wildfire. I was goose bump excited.
I'm taking daily steps to work towards my goals and I'm doing the research on all the stuff I don't know how to do yet, got to love Google, information overload, lol.
I'm making this year my best year. I'm going to thrive.

*Carrie*

Level 41!

Last night we celebrated my brother Mike's 41st birthday.
I read somewhere that instead of being 41 years old, you now say you've reached Level 41. This sounds much cooler.
We celebrated with food from Illegal Pete's Mexican and a Costco cake.
Getting together is always nice. The kids and Rob played a card game called Relative Insanity, a somewhat cleaner version and like Cards against humanity. The rest of us listened to the card game and watched the Cowboys win over the Seahawks.

I've been sitting here staring at these pictures and I'm thinking about my intentions regarding family this year. Maybe its the fact that this is round two of cancer for my brother and I'm scared. It could it be that every year we talk about spending more time together and we always peter off and only see each other on birthdays.
Whatever the case may be will I be able to look back and say I did my best?
I'm very thankful that we enjoy being with my brother and his family, its just trying to coordinate all our schedules which leads to me wanting to pull my hair out at times, lol.



*Carrie*

Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019!

 I thought 2018 was going to be my year. Amazing changes and dreams realized.
 I was going to build my dream studio, we were going to finally landscape the back yard and have our own "oasis". I had planned to have Kelly's sweet 16 party in our backyard. I prayed and asked God to make my plans his plans. I was using Proverbs 16:3. As we built the shed I put prayers on a wall studs on each side and a quote on creativity under that.

The year started out with some much promise, by April I was in tears. Plans changed, then changed again. Compromise and heartbreak. My shed went from 16x16 to 12x16. Believe me its a big enough difference, and then I ran out of money to finish. I cried, I prayed. It's still not finished. It's still raw to talk about. I'm trying not to cry as I type this.
I blame myself and I have continued to punish myself for it.
I have gained 20+ lbs this past year. I've learned that I'm an emotional eater and that I'm not as strong mentally as I believed. I let people into my head and that really messed me up. I made excuses instead of getting mad, figuring things out and pushing through.
I started reading self help books and yes, they helped get some of my groove back.
More curve balls came.
I found out around August that my brother has stomach cancer, stage 3 and they're giving him 50% survival rate. The financial burden has been horrendous strain on his family and my mom. In November we got more bad news about another family member that I can't discuss.
This feeling of having no control has made me an emotional mess.
As I type this I can feel the desire to learn from the horrible year that was 2018, actually its been on my mind since the day after Christmas because I want to release all the negativity, I want to build myself stronger, grow closer to God and I want to move forward.
This year, no resolutions.
I plan to take each day with praise, grace and hope. I plan to make small changes that will benefit me and mine but no resolutions.
My journey, which I choose to accept, is my great big adventure. I only get one shot at life and damn do I want it to be a good one. I am learning and exploring. Sounds vague, I know, but I plan to go into deeper details later.
May 2019 be filled with redemption, healing and to thrive.
Oh, I think I just found my word for 2019. THRIVE.

(PS- photo of shed taken in July 2018)
  *Carrie*