Give yourself a break

Give yourself a break.
This is the statement I've heard a couple of times this week.
It's not easy to hear or do, sigh, but something has got to give.
Last spring when everything went to crap with my she shed and activity slowed to a crawl I became depressed, angry and self abusive. I've gained about 30 lbs and my self esteem went down the drain. I fought the battle of the bulge but I didn't do the mental work to deal with the roots of my issues so when crap hit the fan all the yuck came up. I have tried to work on me with self help and leadership books. I started following positivism accounts on Instagram. I read bible verses, I prayed, I grieved.
Yesterday, Rob asked me when was the last time I read for fun, did anything for fun, being post monthly time all I wanted to do was cry.
How do you give yourself a break? How do you let the truth sink in? The truth that you are perfectly and wonderfully made and that some of your wiring needs to be updated.
I sit in this, not knowing whats my next step, most days are good and I fake it till I make it other days my head stays down, I become quiet and more introspective.
There is a small quiet voice that says if I can let go, the weight will come off, I'll feel better and be more productive in the long run.
So this morning I grabbed a "good" book that my mom gave me and will begin reading for fun.
My mind is already trying to busy myself up with my "have to do's".
I really don't need to read more self help books, they're all starting to say the same thing. I just need to feel them, accept the truth, does that make any sense. The answers are in me, with me but nothing is penetrating this mire of crap I'm sitting in.

*Carrie*

One little word 2019

My word this year didn't come easy, nothing felt right and as others started sharing their words I wondered when mine would appear.
Unfortunately, I don't remember what triggered me but the word THRIVE popped in my head. A little back story. A few weeks ago I broke down on my husband. Several things had come to a head and I lost it. I said to him that this, where we are at right now can't be the best we'll get, I want more for us. I want better/more for me. I don't want to survive, and roll with the punches, maybe that's what triggered me. There is a song by Casting Crowns call Thrive, there is a lyric that says, " we were made for so much more than ordinary lives, its time for us to more than just survive, we were made to thrive.
Thrive by definition means to grow vigorously: flourish to prosper. To progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances.

It's time to take what I've learned and grown from and push past the fear and take action on my dreams.
I didn't make any resolutions but I've started this year actively trying to learn, grown and change. I'm starting with Mel Robbins Mindset Reset a 30 day program with steps to change my hindering beliefs. I'm also working with a women's group from church on the Keys to Freedom study. This has us working on the roots of her hindering beliefs.
I'm working on making this a trans formative year. I plan to finish my studio, I want to try my hand at making You Tube videos and generally be more creative.
I sometimes doubt my gut instinct and I ask for conformation. Confirmation was received one afternoon as I was walking on the treadmill and listening to an inspirational talk from Tony Robbins and Les Brown called, "I can, I will, I must. By the end of his video the passion and desire to pursue my dreams was like a fast spreading wildfire. I was goose bump excited.
I'm taking daily steps to work towards my goals and I'm doing the research on all the stuff I don't know how to do yet, got to love Google, information overload, lol.
I'm making this year my best year. I'm going to thrive.

*Carrie*

Level 41!

Last night we celebrated my brother Mike's 41st birthday.
I read somewhere that instead of being 41 years old, you now say you've reached Level 41. This sounds much cooler.
We celebrated with food from Illegal Pete's Mexican and a Costco cake.
Getting together is always nice. The kids and Rob played a card game called Relative Insanity, a somewhat cleaner version and like Cards against humanity. The rest of us listened to the card game and watched the Cowboys win over the Seahawks.

I've been sitting here staring at these pictures and I'm thinking about my intentions regarding family this year. Maybe its the fact that this is round two of cancer for my brother and I'm scared. It could it be that every year we talk about spending more time together and we always peter off and only see each other on birthdays.
Whatever the case may be will I be able to look back and say I did my best?
I'm very thankful that we enjoy being with my brother and his family, its just trying to coordinate all our schedules which leads to me wanting to pull my hair out at times, lol.



*Carrie*

Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019!

 I thought 2018 was going to be my year. Amazing changes and dreams realized.
 I was going to build my dream studio, we were going to finally landscape the back yard and have our own "oasis". I had planned to have Kelly's sweet 16 party in our backyard. I prayed and asked God to make my plans his plans. I was using Proverbs 16:3. As we built the shed I put prayers on a wall studs on each side and a quote on creativity under that.

The year started out with some much promise, by April I was in tears. Plans changed, then changed again. Compromise and heartbreak. My shed went from 16x16 to 12x16. Believe me its a big enough difference, and then I ran out of money to finish. I cried, I prayed. It's still not finished. It's still raw to talk about. I'm trying not to cry as I type this.
I blame myself and I have continued to punish myself for it.
I have gained 20+ lbs this past year. I've learned that I'm an emotional eater and that I'm not as strong mentally as I believed. I let people into my head and that really messed me up. I made excuses instead of getting mad, figuring things out and pushing through.
I started reading self help books and yes, they helped get some of my groove back.
More curve balls came.
I found out around August that my brother has stomach cancer, stage 3 and they're giving him 50% survival rate. The financial burden has been horrendous strain on his family and my mom. In November we got more bad news about another family member that I can't discuss.
This feeling of having no control has made me an emotional mess.
As I type this I can feel the desire to learn from the horrible year that was 2018, actually its been on my mind since the day after Christmas because I want to release all the negativity, I want to build myself stronger, grow closer to God and I want to move forward.
This year, no resolutions.
I plan to take each day with praise, grace and hope. I plan to make small changes that will benefit me and mine but no resolutions.
My journey, which I choose to accept, is my great big adventure. I only get one shot at life and damn do I want it to be a good one. I am learning and exploring. Sounds vague, I know, but I plan to go into deeper details later.
May 2019 be filled with redemption, healing and to thrive.
Oh, I think I just found my word for 2019. THRIVE.

(PS- photo of shed taken in July 2018)
  *Carrie*

Peace

 This week has been a emotional roller coaster.
I've made a commitment to myself to be more positive, to be more grateful for the things that transpire in my life. That positive commitment has been challenged and like most people would I didn't like how I reacted.
We began a new contract at work and our raise, for the foreseeable next 5 years is 13 cents. Wasn't what any of us were expecting. Having to deal with the disappointment and co workers complaining hasn't helped the negative feelings that already exude from some of my co workers. Trying very hard not to fall into that trap.
My other trigger came yesterday when we went to our Girl Scout cookie kickoff.
The lines for the activities and narrow space in which to maneuver, with bitchy type A moms just put me in a hyper critical mood. Of course then started the self bashing, which thankfully I quickly nixed.
I took it to God, asked for forgiveness and asked myself why it bothers me so much. That is something I'm still processing.

I didn't take my frustrations out on people but I complained about everything. I don't like when I become that person and all I can do is continue to grow and be better.

This first week of the new year is over and I am doing very well on my goals. Here's to staying strong and making myself proud.

Our Christmas Amaryllis has bloomed and was so pretty, I really liked the variegated pink instead of the traditional red.
This week the kids go back to school, scouts starts back up and cookie season starts Saturday, and I'm also planning on working some overtime to help pay for my shed. Plans are moving forward and shifting too. Instead of 12x20, it may be 16x16. Thankfully Rob is getting on board answering all my questions and giving me even more ideas.
I'm getting very excited.
Here's to continued growth, consistent blogging, and beauty around every corner.
Carrie

Happy New Year 2018

Last night as we rang in the new year with fireworks, the neighborhood thundered with other families doing the same. Besides smoke from the fireworks there was something in the air. It felt magical.
This morning I sat down and wrote in my journal for the first time since October 2016, wow, seriously?
As I wrote, really messy too, I came upon a realization. My blog is going to be about me and mine  not about trying to grow a possible blog following. I need to go back to or find new ways to love my blog.
This leads me to my one little word, except right now I have two. Focus and Intention.
This is my mind set right now.
My Goals, Dreams, Manifestations for 2018:
I'm driving myself crazy with the plans for a 12x20 gambrel shed. Happily crazy, excited, can't wait to start building. This shed brings me a bigger craft room and even more importantly, my girls will have their own room. My plan is to have them in there by March/April.
My second GDM is to put myself back in charge of my health again and get back on track. This past year has been stagnant, granted I gained 10 lbs but some of that is muscle. Losing weight stopped and trying different things hasn't helped my mindset. So the plan is to get back to where I started with my diet of hope. Meal planning, watching what I put in my mouth and not let outside influences make me compromise.
Also, my plans are to go to the gym 160 times this year. Granted I plan on sticking to my normal routine which will exceed 160 times but I'm giving myself grace if needed.
My last big GDM is to work with the family on our back yard. Kelly is turning 16 this fall and our dream is to be able to host it in our backyard. We've made a list of things that need to be/ want to get done.
My last GDM and the most important is to focus on my relationship with God. Today's daily verse spoke to me, it was Isaiah 43:19. After my quiet time I hit Instagram and the positive affirmation pages I follow just confirmed my feelings.
I'm proud of myself, I am loved, I believe in myself and I will walk in my strengths, I will love others as best as I can and encourage others to do the same.








*Carrie*

Fall holiday hike

Yesterday we went up to Mt. Lemmon to go on a nature walk at the Aspen trail and to see the fall colors.
While it may be 90+ degrees down in Tucson, Mt. Lemmon was a refreshing 60.
And while the leaves aren't at their peak yet, they're still beautiful to behold.

I really should have grabbed more leaves and pine cones on our walk.

I think I'm going to call this picture the stop light tree. Obviously you can see why.
Being on the mountain and walking on the trails brings such a sense of peace.
At first Wyatt was grumpy, I can't blame him, he had just done a 10 mile hike the day before with the boy scouts and was sore and sunburned. He later confessed that we were driving him crazy with all the stopping. That's when I explained to think of this as a nature walk and not a hike, to look around and enjoy.
By the end of our nature walk Wyatt was in a good mood but Chelsea was the one who was getting grumpy and wanted to go home.
This picture of the kids is one that kinda cracks me up. When we started out on the walk we were wearing jackets, except Rob who never wears one, by the end of our walk we see us in three stages. Chelsea still wearing her jacket, Wyatt in his t-shirt and Kelly who is sporting a tank top. 
The weather was just right for the t shirt.
 After some rock climbing and Chelsea whining that she wanted more beef jerky and was hungry we headed for the truck.
We tortured them by going up to Summerhaven and walking around the general store and then over to Ski Valley where we encountered 4 deer crossing the road.
Now we didn't make them get out and walk, oh no, they got to eat snacks.I  on the other hand hopped into the bed of the truck as we cruised down from the U of A observation station parking lot to ski valley, snapping pictures with my phone. I got plenty of finger pointing and weird looks from the people driving up that's for sure.
Once we got back into town we swung by Carl's Jr for a late lunch and headed home to chill.